The Ugly Side of Motherhood
Overwhelming. That’s how I would describe motherhood.
I set out to write a post for maternal mental health month, and I couldn’t keep my thoughts straight. I had so much to say and just couldn’t convey it effectively. But I think that’s the thing about motherhood. We all struggle with the enormity and complexity of it. The dichotomy of something that in one moment is so incredible and amazing, yet sheer chaos and agony the next. There is a lot of beauty in motherhood, but let’s be honest, since we’re talking about mental health, there’s an ugly side too.
The “ugly side” is something we are all familiar with, and a place we all visit more frequently than we want to. It’s also something we can’t avoid and that I believe we should be able to talk about more. Without fear of judgement.
First, there’s the constant need to be “on” at all times. We become wired to not let our guard down for a second. Our brains will not turn off. We hear kids crying when we’re in the shower, when nobody actually is. Something goes “thud” in the night and we jump up to make sure that nobody has fallen out of bed and cracked their head open on a nightstand. You’re alone at a store and hear someone say, “Mom,” or start crying and you instinctually look around for them.
And then there’s the anxiety, the “what ifs,” and the intrusive thoughts. We have nightmares about our children dying, or getting kidnapped, or a million other horrible scenarios. The constant worry about our children’s well being and safety, wondering what the world they are growing up in will turn out to be. Sure, trying to think positive and being vigilant about where our children are and who they are with is something, but the thoughts are still there.
The consuming doubt that you’re even cut out for this, convincing yourself that you’re definitely screwing up your kids. The guilt after losing your cool and yelling and the love/hate relationship with all those parenting “experts” on social media. Those days where you just want to quit because you just can’t anymore. The days where you just don’t like your kids very much.
I think that we are all up against A LOT, and that our mental health is suffering because of it. I think some of us are better at hiding it than others, but we are all dealing with the same general things.
And I think it’s important to know you are not the only one feeling like this.
So what are we supposed to do to keep the visits to the ugly side bearable? Cry behind closed doors and scream into pillows? Find a good therapist? Force ourselves to have alone time even with the guilt of doing so that follows?
There’s no quick fix for any of this, so I say do whatever you need to do that is safe. Read what total strangers blog about, journal, have a dance party….and definitely see a therapist (we know that is not always possible for people; for some ideas when you can’t, read this).
I believe that there is one universal thing that all of us can do to feel better about the enormity of motherhood: teach our children to be kind. Teach them to empathize with others, to be open-minded, and to welcome learning new things. We can model these things too. This way, we can be confident that we are raising good humans, and that helps bring us back to the beauty of motherhood.
