Navigating the first birthday after birth trauma
DISCLAIMER: This blog details birth trauma, blood loss, and fertility loss. This is the writer’s personal, raw story. Please read with care.
In the back of a speeding ambulance, holding a strangers hand. I was hearing “stay with me” sometimes loud, sometimes muffled as I floated in and out of panic and peace. That was almost one year ago.
Today, I’m holding the hand of a little baby boy who I feel like I’ve known my entire life. I’m hearing a cry that translates to, “Stay with me!” whenever I attempt to leave the room to get anything done. The endless to-do list creates panic, but being with him? The ultimate peace.
Last October, my husband and I welcomed our sweet Henry to the world. Unfortunately, not long after we said hello, I suffered a massive postpartum hemorrhage. After a 6-liter blood loss, surgery, and blood transfusions, things were under control. I got to hold Henry the next day in the ICU, eventually moved to the mother baby unit, and then got to go home a few days later. We made it! We thought. After one week of getting settled in at home, I suffered a delayed hemorrhage and was rushed back to the hospital where I’d eventually need a hysterectomy to save my life. In those moments on my bathroom floor, waiting for the ambulance to arrive, my husband and I were exchanging constant, “I love you’s.” Knowing how severe my first experience was, this one was so, so much worse. The hospital is 30 minutes from our house, and it was rush hour.
It was sinking in quickly these might be my last moments. 31 years on Earth as Alyson, but only 1 week as “mom.”
But here we are! Thanks to quick decisions and talented doctors, I’m approaching one entire year as mom, I mean… Mama! Henry’s first word and my very favorite. I’m now joining the ranks of so many other incredibly strong mothers who have reached the bittersweet first birthday after birth trauma. For so many, it’s a delicate balance of celebration and grief. Holding two things at once: the very best and also worst days of your life.
According to Postpartum Support International, 1 in 3 parents consider their birth experience to be traumatic. And if you’re someone who this resonates with, it can be tough to figure out how to honor a time that brings up so many conflicting feelings. As I get closer to that day, I thought it would be helpful to compile a list of ideas that I’ve gathered from birth trauma support groups and mental health specialists. They’ve helped me to feel like I have more control going into this time period and I hope they help you as well. Some may sound silly or “woo woo,” some may sound obvious, and some might sound like exactly what you need to bring even a tiny bit of healing to a piece of your heart that’s changed forever.
Remember, there is no one right way to approach these situations. Take what feels good and leave behind the rest.
- Set the expectations – Now this might sound obvious, but you truly owe it to yourself to let your loved ones know that you might not know how you’ll feel on that day or even the days leading up to it. Do you have family coming in from out of town? Are you throwing a birthday bash? Are you wanting some time alone to process on that day? All plans are valid! But letting the people who will be around you know that you may need some grace in case emotions catch you off guard, or even extra time to yourself, can be so freeing. Setting up those expectations beforehand can free up some emotional space when the time comes.
- Write letters or cards to your care team – This might not be for everyone as some associate their birth trauma as having been caused by certain people or practices. But if you are someone who feels grateful for the people who cared for you or your baby and would like to express those feelings, this can be a really healing outlet to do so! I’m very lucky that I felt a strong connection to everyone who helped me, my son, and my husband. But in the months after, I really struggled with the thought of so many people having a hand in saving my life that I would never see again. I’m planning on getting family pictures taken to celebrate my son’s 1st birthday and sending a photo and a card to the members of my care team. If you had a large team helping you or your baby and you need help with the best ways to get notes to them, reach out to your hospital. Most have people that can help facilitate this kind of show of gratitude.
- Sign up for a yoga/exercise class/massage session for yourself – One of the most pervasive aspects of birth trauma is the lack of control, especially of your own body. To honor all that you’ve been through, many birth trauma survivors have said it can be very healing to intentionally sign up for an activity that puts you into your own body in a way that you can control. Get some movement in through yoga or another favorite exercise class or maybe the healing touch of a massage. If touch is too much, maybe a sauna session or float therapy. The most important aspect of this is finding something just for yourself that lets you honor all of the things your body has made it through.
- Reclaim the “golden hour” – I can’t remember where I heard this, it may have been a podcast or social media post, but I loved the intention behind this idea. Many people who experience birth trauma miss out on those magical first moments, especially the “golden hour” that may have been planned and longed for leading up to delivery. I heard the story of a woman who was grieving not having that time months later and someone said (in a much more eloquent way, I’m paraphrasing!) “What if you reclaim the golden hour now?” and suggested an intentional moment of skin to skin between mom and baby. The mom then went and created a special moment with their baby, followed by lots of tears and lots of healing reported after. I thought this could be a really sweet moment to have on a birthday. Now I’ll be honest, I loved this idea months ago and wanted to have a moment of reclaiming the golden hour for myself since we didn’t get that, but holding my son is like trying to hold down an oil covered alligator and it’s just not going to happen! But if you have a snuggly baby, it might be sweet and healing for you. For me, I’d still like to try to have a quiet moment, just me and my son, around the time he was born on his birthday. It might only last a few seconds before he squirms away, but honoring that moment feels special and important to me.
- Donate blood or organize a blood drive – Many birth trauma survivors are still here thanks to the incredible people who donate blood and blood products. For many, donating blood themselves or organizing drives for their community are very healing ways to “pay it forward.”
- Throw a big party – Months ago, I had a really tough time with the idea of a big 1st birthday. I didn’t know how I was going to feel emotionally and also didn’t know if it would be silly to go overboard with a baby’s first birthday… until a friend gave me the gentle permission to Go. All. Out. Now, you don’t need permission from anyone! Do what feels right for your family and enjoy every bit. But I really appreciated the reminder that, even for people without birth trauma, you only get one first birthday! So enjoy it! I’ve gotten so much enjoyment out of the planning, DIY decor making, baking practice, etc. The prep has kept me busy and my mind off of what we went through.
- DON’T throw a big party – That being said, you absolutely don’t have to have a party if it doesn’t feel right to you! Maybe a more intimate immediate family dinner feels special or a lunch out. The day is all about celebrating your baby and honoring yourself, however that feels best to you.
