The Talks Mom Never Had With Me
My husband and I have 4 children, 3 sons and 1 beautiful, spunky and overprotected daughter. Our boys are fabulous, but I’ll like them more when they learn their urine belongs in the toilet and not on the seat, the floor, and their underwear. Growing up with 3 younger sisters, I never had to worry about boys. Our lives revolved around Barbies, Lisa Frank stationary, play make-up, and the dreaded hormones. Our poor father, what a trooper, he purchased every box of tampons that ever resided in our home.
With our oldest getting ready for middle school, my husband and I know it’s time to start having “the talks.” I wish we were born with all this information stored in our brain. How easy would parenting be then?! So, for instance, when your daughter has her first crush a signal would go off in her brain and she would instantly know why she felt that way, how to handle those feelings, and what to expect in relationships. Alas, no one promised parenting would be easy.
So zip up those mom jeans ladies and get ready, as I discuss all the topics you’ll have to talk about with your daughter that make you cringe.
The whole period thing…
The time in a girl’s life when she becomes a woman. Hahahahahaha, I speak for us all when I say take that back right now. If I knew what was going to endure 12 weeks out of the year, I would have built a period bunker. No Aunt Flo would find me or my flower.
As a child, my mother never sat me down and had an official talk.
“Now Ashley, there’s going to come a time during each month when you are going to feel like crap. You’ll have cramps, bloating, bleeding, and be an even bigger monster than you currently are.”
Who wants to talk about all that? Not me. She sure didn’t either. However, I think it was due to the fact that her mother never talk to her either. Everything you needed to know came from your girlfriends. Now that I’m a mom, I know how awkward it is to have these conversations, but they’re so important.
Thankfully, I have the world’s greatest grandma: Judymom (she’s always been too young for “grandmother”). Judymom bought me an awesome book called “The What’s Happening to my Body? Book for Girls.” You’re jealous right? Your bookshelves were just full of crappy pre-teen books from Judy Blume or Ann M. Martin. Never fear, you can get your updated copy on Amazon right now!
Back to the big P. This book was amazing, it talked about boobs, boys, my body (well the girl body), dating (kissing a boy during a game of spin-the-bottle does not suggest the start of a relationship), and so much more. It definitely prepared me for what was in store as I blossomed into a beautifully awkward teenager.
That whole “shaving and maintenance” thing…
My first encounter with a razor was 22 years ago. I remember shaving my legs at a friend’s house. It didn’t seem like a big deal and all my friends were shaving. I was so excited and when I showed my mom I thought she would be too. Wrong. My mother was enraged. She actually grounded me and forbid to shave again until I was 17. “Try getting a boyfriend now,” was basically what she was saying.
It wasn’t too long before she revoked my punishment and went over how to shave my legs, mainly as a safety percaution. That no one wants to braid your underarm hair, so shave that too. Coincidentally, it was here that she also added that it’s was only necessary to shave from the knee down. As a mom of 4 who usually takes a 3 minute shower each day, you’re lucky if I shave above the ankle. I can honestly appreciate this tip now. Thanks mom!
And lastly, when it comes to shaving, let’s not forget the desirable woodland forrest. I tried to google all the nicknames and I kept getting articles about George Bush. You get the idea. You know what I’m saying here.
Anyway, this topic is probably considered “taboo.” It all comes down to personal preference. So if you prefer a runway, heart, your husband’s initital, well you get it girl. Just remember to be careful and take your time. When your daughter comes to you for questions or advice, GOOD LUCK and tell me how it goes.
The “love” thing…
During my teen years, I had a close group of friends that I had made through our school dance team. Most of them were always dating someone and I was always single. Now, I had a crush here and there. Mainly on all the members of N’SYNC, all of which were unattainable (probably), and then random boys in our class. Many of my close friends had already “misplaced” their flowers, but not I. By the time I reached my senior year I was in finally in a relationship. Yeah buddy, this girl had it all. I had a great job at the YMCA making $8.13/hr (which in 2000 was pretty good), amazing friends, a pager, and a boyfriend who could actually say his girlfriend rolled a Honda. Wait, is that what Sir-Mix-A-Lot was saying? I’m still bad at dissecting the true meanings of lyrics…
My life revolved around this boy, so much so, that after being asked repeatedly to have sex, I gave in. It was December 4, 2000 (you’re welcome, Mom). Anyway, I’m not even sure how I knew what sex was or what “to do.” Again, this was never talked about. Apparently all the episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 prepared me. I cringe at the thought, but my time’s coming and I will have to talk to my daughter about sex. The good, the bad, and the ugly. I had immediately regretted my decision and broke up with my boyfriend. Not only was I upset for being pressured, but I had gone against what I wanted for myself and that was to wait until I was married or even ready. This was my secret, so I never told my mom. I was afraid I was going to be in trouble. Had I approached my mom about sex before, she might have talked to me. She also might have responded with, “go ask your dad.” What mother does that??!! Ours. We have an amazing dad who would talk to us about anything.
So when did I actually start talking to my mom about sex? Probably closer to 3 years ago. But I think it’s because I’m an adult, I’ve clearly had sex, and at least 4 times. Should we have talked about it way sooner? Yes. Will I talk to my kids about it before they’ve had 4 kids of their own? Ugh. Yes.
So the point here is to talk to your kids. Let them know you are there and if reading about it first is easier, do that. If recording yourself talking about intercourse is easier, well heck, do that. There’s no “best way,” for the best way is the way your child feels safe and comfortable.
When I was younger I thought this would be super easy because I would just be honest and upfront, explaining things to my future children using proper words, with no shame or embarrassment. Then one day I took my young niece to the store and she asked, “Why does that lady have a mustache?” And I was lost. I started babbling about hormones and she was confused, then got bored and moved on to something else. That wasn’t even about sex and I still blew it.
When you think about you’ll approach these topics, it seems easy. Actually having the conversations…not so easy. I think being honest and open from the beginning leaves room for our kids to come to us when something is on their mind, specifically about these topics. Parenting is rough stuff.
I highly recommend “From Diapers to Dating” as a resource for all parents. “Period” and “Let’s Talk About Sex” are also amazing but if you’re someone who is super nervous about these talks just be prepared, they’re pretty bold.
Thank you for the recommendations Belle!
LOVE this article, Ashley! You’ve got skills.
Regarding THE talk, my mom swears she did but didn’t have it with me or my 3 younger sisters or brother. However, I had the talk (like the full men have a penis and girls have a vagina and God designed one to go into the other, etc) with my oldest when she was just 7. Yes really and yes 7. Why? Because kids in her 1st grade class were already using the word sexy and phrase ‘sleep together’ which they prob heard from TV or older siblings. I wanted her to hear the facts and hear them from me. And I don’t regret it! Is Haven ready at almost 9? Um heck no. Each kid is different!! But it’s necessary several years before you think you should. Now where is that parenting manual again…?
First, thank you for using the word penis and vagina, lol. I’ve always used these in place of wee-wee or flower. For me, it was too weird to have my daughter say, “my flower is red and it hurts.” But, we are all allowed to make these decisions. In regards to the talk, I’m not shocked. I feel like as parents we need to have these talks when it’s time, sometimes it’s sooner than we think. My daughter is very mature for her age and this conversation would have been understood at 7 as well. Thank you for reading and sharing!!