Let’s Talk about Adoption
It’s National Adoption Month, so let’s talk about adoption. Whether you’ve grown your family through adoption, are considering this process, or simply love someone who is connected to adoption in some way, it is important to recognize the power of your words.
Your words shape the way people around you will view adoption.
Your words create the world that your adopted child will live in.
Your words echo the messages that your family will accept as truth.
First things first, what should you say? There are oodles of infographics that you can Google noting the importance of terminology (key terms: “positive adoption language”), and you’ll find that there are still some fairly strong preferences among these terms. I’ll provide the caveat by noting that you’ll need to find what works best for your situation, because every adoption situation is different. You’ll need to enter this domain with compassion, a VERY open mind, and the willingness to admit when you are unsure.
Our motto in discussing adoption has always been to protect and respect. This means the birth and adoptive families, as well as the child(ren) involved.
I’ll break down a few basics for you that we learned along the way*:
Do: Refer to the biological parents using the term “Birth mom/mother” and “Birth dad/father” instead of “real parents”. The latter is confusing for a child, particularly one who is very young. While some families have special names for birth parents (e.g., Mommy Jennifer, first mommy, tummy mommy), others prefer to simply reference the “birth family”. We, for example, do not share birth parent names outside our immediate family.
Don’t: Differentiate your child with adjectives like “adopted” before his/her name. Our daughter is 100% part of our family, and there’s no need to label her as anything different to differentiate her from other children. Along those lines, we aren’t her “adoptive parents” – we’re simply her mom and dad. The main time when we clarify our roles as the non-biological parents is when we go to the pediatrician and have to answer specific health-related questions (e.g., pregnancy issues, family health history).
Do: Carefully consider the words you use to explain marginalized groups. You may have a child whose birth parents are in circumstances that you have spoken of negatively (e.g., incarceration, homelessness, addiction). The way your child (and family) hears you speak of these individuals will impact how receptive they are to their story as they grow up. It will impact how they feel about themselves – and their birth parents – once they learn their story. Tread carefully here. Also, consider how those around you speak of these groups; biases can creep into even the most well-intended conversations. Be mindful of how these groups are presented in the media that your child sees. This sounds trivial, but I promise you, it is not.
Don’t: Explain the adoption process as “giving up” a child or reference the adopted child as “unwanted”. This makes me uncomfortable. Think of the message this would send to a child involved in this process. You can instead respectfully note that the birth family “created an adoption plan” in the best interest of the child. Though you will likely receive questions, you do not have to disclose the specific circumstances of the birth family to friends and family, particularly if the situation was difficult. It is better to explain the pregnancy as “unplanned” instead of “unwanted”. The decision to create an adoption plan is complex, and this terminology lacks sensitivity for this process.
Do: Understand that there are mixed feelings about the term “Gotcha Day”. While I’ve heard this very frequently celebrated from families involved in adoption, I also understand that there are some folks who cringe at this term. Frankly, I can see both sides. We have always called our special day “Family Day”; this feels most comfortable to us, because we prefer the phrase “joined our family through adoption” instead of “adopted [child’s name]”. If you’re unsure about what to say, you can use this as an opportunity to engage in dialogue about a family’s preferred term for this special day. It might open the door for additional ways to support the process!
Don’t: Ask invasive questions about the birth family. Just. Don’t. If an adoptive family would like to share those details with you, they will. We were very unprepared for these types of questions, which ranged from the birth parents’ demographics, personal background, and living situation through the specific reasons for the adoption plan. While I presume these were presented with the most genuine intentions and curiosity, I quickly mastered the art of vague responses, redirection, and setting boundaries. I’ll talk to a brick wall about the blessing of adoption, but the specifics of my child’s birth parents and adoption story are sacred territory.
The bottom line is that you need to understand the power of your words in shaping how those involved in the adoption process – including your child – feel, both now and in the future.
I’ll leave you with two guiding questions to help you think about how to use positive adoption language: Are my words helping my child/birth family to feel respected, loved, and valued? Am I empowering the most important people in this process to feel comfortable with their story?
*Spoiler alert: Like everything else in parenthood, it’s a work in progress.
Hey, I’m still learning, too.
