A Few Sex Truths
Some people believe that I have an amazing sex life, but here’s the sex truth: I have a normal sex life.
It’s nothing like the movies. We aren’t tearing each other’s clothes off as we bump into every piece of furniture from the living room to the bedroom. And every scene doesn’t end in a big, amazing orgasm.
We do have to turn up the tv to drown out the noises of our sexcapades so the kids don’t hear us. And we’re sometimes interrupted by tiny knocks on the door. Every new position tried doesn’t end successfully. Some of our escapades end in us taking turns to massage each other. Although, being bent over the couch, doggy-style is very easy on the body and oh so good. Needless to say, our sex life isn’t perfect, but it is our kind of normal.
While there are some hits and misses, I have learned a few truths along the way.
But first, let me start with a little background music. I have been married for 14 years. We dated for 2 years before tying the knot. So, in other words, I have been stroked by the same piece of pipe for 16 years. I remember when we would do the naked-tango while standing ON TOP of the bed. Thinking back on it, that -ish didn’t make any sense, but we did it because we could. We would please each other with our lips in the back of major restaurants and make our own foggy movie scenes at night in a park. We had sex multiple times a day and multiple times a week. We were jack rabbits and had all the time, energy, and libido in the world!
But how we started is definitely not where we are at now.
Sex Truth #1 – It gets wetter! Hope he can keep up.
Some things do get better with time, and your vagina is one of them. If you take good care of your warm, wet, and gooey Apple Pie, she will take care of you. One would think that his cinnamon stick would be immune to its goodness after 16 years, but he still shivers and moans with goodness every time. I keep her away from harsh chemicals and splurge on yoni treatments every now and then. My older sisters say that this is natural and true. According to them, at the tender age of 37, I still haven’t reached my max gooeyness. Somewhere around 40 years old, things get really slippery. The only hope is that your pipe-layer can keep up with you.
Sex Truth #2 – Mind-Readers are Fake.
The more mature I got, the more I realized I wanted 2 things: a strong orgasm and time to read my book before I fall asleep. I wasn’t gonna get the orgasm I desired if I kept my mouth closed. So I told him how fast, how deep, and which angle to “hit that thang.” Moms, there’s nothing wrong with admitting that what felt good in your Twenties may not feel the same in your Thirties or Forties (or Fifties for that matter). Hell, what felt good during the last rumble, might not feel good during the current one. Believe it or not, you know what you want. Your body knows what it wants, so just tell him. My husband, for one, is pleased when I tell him how I like it. He doesn’t have to spend time pressing “buttons” that are not warming the oven.
Sex Truth #3 – There’s No Math in Sex
There is no magical number or equation that can compute the number of times a couple is supposed to do the tango. This numbers solely depends on the couple and their sex drive. But even then, the frequency in which you have sex might change. There have been times when we’ve had sex 4-7 times in one week, and there have been times where we have only had sex 2 times in one month! Our shag-olympics ebb and flow. It may increase or decrease depending on what we have going on in our life. Moreover, sometimes the times that I’m ready and roaring, he’s not. He prefers a nightcap and I love a grandrising. I just don’t see how someone can desire to have sex after a long day of dealing with people. Give me my “stroke of luck” in the morning and I can tolerate all of the audacities. If I feel overwhelmed or have too much on my plate (even if I put it there myself) my vagina is gonna turn into an angry beaver. If I spent the whole morning fussing at the kids, and my work day was filled with work, my husband might have to pull a few tricks from his sleeves to get the honeypot to open. If we tangoed in the morning, I might not even care enough to fuss at the kids.
My final word of advice, stop with all this Hollywood expectations of what married sex should be for you. Try reading, “Real Married Sex:: Don’t watch porn, watch Netflix.” It supports what I’m saying. Create your own normal. Do what you need to do in order to scream the Big O. Toys, pills, lubricants, different positions, odd places, and how often should all be open for discussion and experimentation. Your normal can be whatever you want it to be.
