Grief NOT at the Holidays
Everyone seems to know that the winter holidays can be especially difficult for people who are experiencing grief. We’re all familiar with special remembrances that can offer some consolation to the grieving during that season: lighting extra candles, donating to a cause in a loved one’s name, creating Day of the Dead altars, or hanging a special ornament on the tree. These traditions, for those of us who grieve someone we still love and miss, can be comforting during those joy-filled celebrations when we are struggling to stay present while also quietly mourning a loss.
But then January 1st comes around and the new year proves, once again, to be full of other joy-filled celebrations and milestones – many of them occurring in quick succession throughout April/May. Somehow, our culture does not seem to validate that Spring can be its own kind of grief season. There are considerably fewer articles and resources to read related to “How to grieve quietly at your kid’s egg hunt,” or “Here’s a symbolic gesture to show you miss your dad at your son’s t-ball games,” or “5 craft ideas for kids to do when Grandma is in Heaven and can’t make it to the kindergarten graduation ceremony”. Unfortunately, even if our culture does not prepare parents for how to grieve in the Spring, grief arrives uninvited to these special events all the time. Rather than attempting to shove it right back out the front door like the uninvited guest that it is, I am working on making space for my grief in small, intentional ways.
Everyone’s grief journey is different. For me, my most profound grief is related to losing my loving Dad in 2020. He was a family man and was very proud of all 11 (now 12) grandchildren!
With that many kids around, there is truly never a dull moment! If you’re a mom, odds are that your Spring calendar is as full as mine. In case you’re a new parent, here’s a glimpse of your future Spring lineup: soccer games, graduations, recitals, baseball tournaments, end-of-the-year parties, school dances, swim lessons, oh my! These are just a few of April and May’s joy-filled, regular life, mom moments that I cherish! …And they are all things I wish I could share with my Dad. I know he would have loved being a part of all these special moments.
When grief crashes my party or wakes me up, I try not to shove it away. Instead, I acknowledge it by simply saying to myself, “I miss my Dad.” For me, it’s helpful to repeat the same, simple phrase. Having a “grief mantra” helps me put complicated feelings into simple words. It acts as a reminder to myself that it’s alright to miss him and that for me, it’s often authentic to have a difficult mix of emotions. It’s alright for joy-filled moments to be dominated by joy but filled with a complex combination of other feelings.
Sometimes I even picture those same words, “I miss my Dad.” And, as in meditation, I visualize them floating into my mind and then gently drift back out to the periphery. I try to let grief come to be a small part of my end-of-the-year celebrations without giving it control.
For me, it’s also helpful to talk with my family. My mom and sisters always know the right things to say and they understand in ways few people can. My husband does a great job of saying a similar, simple phrase to me whenever he’s feeling those waves coming on. We have found that connecting around that simple statement is sometimes all the validation we need during this busy season of parenting that we are in.
Knowing that part of my sadness comes from grieving the loss of memories my kids will never get to make with my Dad, I like to share memories with my kids as they come to me. For example, when my daughter gushes about how much she loves soccer on our way home from her games (even when they lose!), I feel sorry that she will never know what it looks like to have Papa waving at her from the sidelines. But I know I can share how proud he would be of her for trying her best at this new sport, how he would love to see her focus on the field, and that if he were around he would have promised her that he would take her out to ice cream for any goal she got – just like he promised his daughters when we were kids. It comforts me to know that even without many memories of their own, my kids can still grow up knowing my Dad’s love and support.
The most practical advice for getting through this season is probably helpful to anyone whether they are grieving or not:
1) Sleep. Sleep helps us feel rested, less stressed, and better equipped to handle “Maycember” mania. When we’re well-rested, it’s also easier to stay more emotionally regulated.
2) Exercise. This year I have started exercising in the mornings before the day gets away from me. This time outside gives me a literal “breath of fresh air” to start the day and it gives me a healthy dose of all those good endorphins. Honestly, outside time has become a critical part of my morning routine. Even if I don’t have time to get in my work out, I still try to have my coffee on my porch so I can at least feel the day’s freshness and focus.
3) Pray. Even when I struggle with aspects of my faith, I know that it connects me to almost everything I care about unwaveringly – past and present. It helps ground me and reminds me that I am loved and that love is eternal.
If your feelings of grief are inhibiting your daily life in ways that these sorts of strategies can’t support, I highly encourage you to reach out to professionals. Earlier in my grief journey, it helped me immensely to talk with Baptist Centers for Good Grief, and I cannot recommend them enough if you or someone you know is grieving intensely. I still appreciate the ways their newsletters and social media normalize grief while being a positive, encouraging support, reminding me that grief is a natural expression of love.
So if you’re a mom struggling to manage your family’s May calendar and you find yourself feeling extra challenged because you’re missing a loved one even more than usual – someone who should be in the graduation photos, sitting on the baseball bleachers with you, or bringing flowers to the dance recital – know that you’re not alone. Grief is a part of every season of life – not just during the holidays. When grief intrudes on those precious milestone moments, practice acknowledging that even though it’s hard, it’s also good and normal to want to celebrate with those we love. Even in life’s busiest seasons, there’s room for remembrance, too.
