All The Mamas You Love and Loathe
Here are 12 mamas we’re all very familiar with. You all know them and you all love to love or loathe them. Feel free to tag those who have an appreciation for these mamas as much as you may, but please, no need to specify who’s who. A solid inside chuckle will suffice.
Buff Babs: Her six-pack sat comfortably atop the turbo twins tucked tight in her belly throughout her pregnancy. 6 mo postpartum she’s chiseled as ever, decked out in a size 0 lululemon get-up, sprinting her kids around in their state-of-the-art jogging stroller. We get it, Babs; we know, you know, you’ve still got it…
CEO Cindy: Whisking Pippy into a quick, “I’m late for a meeting” embrace, stilettos graze the marble floor, and poof, she’s out the door. Cindy doesn’t have time for play dates, PTA, or girls nights. #HBIC
Crunchy Christina: With a thriving bee colony in her back yard, to anyone who will listen, Xtina yammers on about how studies prove, local, fresh honey prevents more illness than any pharma made vaccine ever could (no preservatives to boot). This cloth diapering mama essential-oils the dickens out of just about everything.
Eh, it wont kill em’ Karen: Booting up the X-Box while handing her abundance of kids a truck load of Lucky Charms and a few bottles of coke, she mutters breathlessly, “Hurry up and eat, I’m locking you all outside with the dog as soon as you’re done.”
How does she do it Helen: Spotless car (check). A fully (white) furnished house without a hint of lint on the chenille throws (check). Laundry complete (check). Polished nails without so much as a corner chip (check). Clean, fed, polite children, who get along (check, check, check, check). Helen, we kinda hate you.
Hot Mess Henrietta: Darting into Jimmy’s school play just as the intermission lights go on, everyone knows she’s arrived; the wafting smell of rotten bananas and dry shampoo radiates from her. Braless is the only time this mama’s “boobie straps” are not showing.
I’ll Beat You Becky: Ol’ crazy eyes has entered the room, scanning to see what everyone’s’ kids are doing, her mind racing to see how she can prove her Persephone has done whatever it is, better. Becky’s motto: “All that matters is who wins. The rest are losers.”
Lush Linda: Never has she ever said no to tipsy toddler time! Guess who has two thumbs and loves a good U10 soccer tailgate? This mom! And man do we love Linda (until she’s overdue for a nap).
Nervous Natalie: Cutting the gluten free crust off the dairy free, lukewarm pizza, Linda is sure not to get a dab of sauce on her 10 year old’s cheek as she fork-feeds him (for the 7th time this play-date). Natalie ain’t takin no chances.
Potty Mouth Penelope: Sudden Earmuff Syndrome (SES) attacks every time she enters your house, greeting the kids with a kiss on the head while rating about how her neighbor Sarah sucked the flippin’ what off her ex piece of who’s what?
Pray for me Patricia: Patty has perfected parenting by sitting back and letting His Allmighty manage the kids. Little Bo’s favorite color is pink – Lawd, pray. Sissy can’t figure out how to take a big girl pissy – peace be with her. Duke stole the car and went for a joyride – Jesus take the wheel.
Yolanda the yeller: There’s zero chill for this mad mama. She’s is either sleeping or yelling. And by god, she can hold a cool, calm and collected conversation with any human over 5 feet but the second her mini-mes enter the room, Admonition – Nation
