A Sexy Christmas

It’s Christmas shopping season and I need to figure out what I’m gonna get my husband for the Lord’s Birthday. If you’ve read my Father’s Day post, you kinda know what he’s going to get. But it’s Christmas, and I can’t just give him my whole nekkid self. Well, I can, but I want to do something special and sexy. I want to give him all of this Glorious, Size 18, Juicy Juicy. I’m talking Liquor….Savage Lingerie…..Lap Dances….Brazilian Waxes (for me, not him)….Flexibility and more. 

I want this to be a Super Bowl level sexy Christmas, but with a happy ending. I’m rooting for both teams to finish well tonight. But in order for that to happen, I need to get a few things ready.

First, I need to order my lingerie. I want something that’s gonna make me look edible and delectable. You know, something that hides the muffin top, but gives him a peek of the apple pie. I want the melons to look like they’re in season. I also want something that I can “workout” in. It’s no fun to put on lingerie, only to take it off when the director yells action. I want something that’s versatile enough for me to keep on during this entire home-made movie.

I’ve also started taking my vitamins and a little collagen for my knees. These 36 year old knees are going to be working on Christmas, and I need to get them prepared. I don’t want this to be a “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” situation. Therefore, I take my HUM B12 vitamins and the cheapest adult gummy vitamin I can find at The Vitamin Shoppe. I’ve also been doing some PopSugar workouts, walking, and even worked out once with Fit4Mom. 

Let’s not forget a little yoga, pelvic floor therapy, and Kegels. So start your vagina exercises now! Sometimes I like to Kegel while I cook. If you need some holistic healing, you should make an appointment at Sundara Wellness. They cater to ALL of your womanly needs. (And they accept insurance.) There you can get some pelvic floor therapy and some yoga too.

I’m not a fan of yoga, but I am also not a fan of breaking when he bends me. So…..yoga I must.

Let’s not forget that a little grooming never hurts. Actually, it does hurt. A lot! Anyhow…..I usually get a full brazilian wax. That includes everything in the front AND back. The Wax Bar offers a Beginner’s Brazilian in which your skin is numbed and you are walked through the entire process. Because let’s be honest, nobody likes hair in their salad. Afterwards, I treat myself to some Ben & Jerry’s for being a good girl.

Just a few more pointers:

1. Rest as much as possible on Sexy Christmas Day. Let the kids run around. Tell the guests to clean up after themselves. You need to conserve all of your energy for the night.
2. Don’t eat too much during dinner. If you do, you’ll catch the -itis and get sleepy. You can’t bring your A-game if you’re on some Zs.
3. Play hard to get, but be easy. Like Lamar Ave at 2:18 am kind of easy.
4. Tell him what you like. Better yet, show him. Most men are hands-on learners.
5. Use coconut oil instead of the KY jelly kind of lube. Trust me. You can buy it at any local grocery store.
6. Don’t go into this game with cold muscles. Do a warm-up stretch
7. Give the kids a little melatonin (available at your local Walgreens) with some warm chocolate milk. We don’t want any awkward disruptions. 
8. Make sure Hubby has a bit to drink too. Beer Goggles. Tequila Talkers. Vodka Vision. Anything to make your dancing look more choreographed.
9. Oh! Don’t forget baby wipes for an easy clean up. No one likes waking up in the middle of the night to wet spots.
10. Enjoy yourself too. Remember, he’s slightly inebriated and very appreciative. He might be willing to try something you’ve been desiring. 

So…yea….my Hubby is getting one heck of a Sexy Christmas gift!