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Dear Husbands :: Please Learn How to Take a Flattering Photo of Your Wife

Like a lot of modern couples, my dear, sweet husband and I have a major recurring issue plaguing our marriage:

The man CANNOT take a flattering photo of me to save his life.

Now, selfies? He's a master. He's a good seven inches taller than I am, so he almost always gets the angle right when we're scooched in close and both looking up at the camera. (Aka, no double-chins! *insert praise hands*)

But when it comes to taking a candid or posed shot of me with the front-facing camera from a distance, this is where he could use a LOT of help. It could be a solo shot of me, a group picture of me and my friends or family, a photo of me with our toddler, or an artsy picture of me in a scenic location. They almost always end up in the deleted folder of my camera roll.

Now, the man is not on any of the social medias, other than LinkedIn, and he genuinely doesn't understand what "Instagram-worthy" means. I've done my best to teach him how to angle the camera so I don't look like Jabba the Hut, how to time it so that he captures a beautiful candid moment that doesn't seem forced, how to position me in the right lighting, how to spot a good backdrop, how to use Portrait Mode, how to get the baby to smile at him while I'm posing the two of us for a picture ... In other words, I've tried my best to get him to think like me, but as you can imagine, that has been an epic fail.

Take these pics from a fun family outing at the playground as an example.

unflattering husband photo

Exhibit A: candid, juxtaposition in size between my husband and our toddling child, appropriate shadows, Portrait Mode, centered focus, flattering angle.

Exhibit B: multiple chins, no neck, giant upper body, chicken legs, huge feet, not ready for the photo, unflattering angle, child looking miserable and distracted, shadow being cast over us, weird craned neck, random houses in the background, awkwardly biting lower lip, need I go on?

As if you needed more proof, check out these that were graciously volunteered by our fearless owners:

unflattering photo by husband crady

unflattering husband photo Lori

Look, is it so wrong that I want to have decent pictures of myself on my feed? Or that I want flattering photos of me with my child to look back on and appreciate? It's not like I view myself as some beauty queen, but I can't be THAT unattractive in real life! Why does he get to be the hot, photogenic parent, and I get stuck with most of the photos I'm featured in ending up in my phone's virtual trashcan?

So husbands, if your wife sent you this link and you're wondering what you could do to improve your photography skills, here're a few tips:

  • First and foremost, listen to your wife's directions on how she wants the picture to look. And by listen, I mean pay close attention to the words coming out of her mouth, ask questions if necessary, and apply what you've learned. Don't simply smile and nod, only to realize you don't know what she wanted when it's time to hit the button on your screen.
  • Take it from a high angle that's flattering, but doesn't make the upper half of her body look gigantic compared to her lower half.
  • Make sure she's ready and posed the way she wants to be for the picture. 
  • Double-check that she's ready to be photographed.
  • Get your child to look at the camera, or be quick enough to capture a sweet candid moment before a tantrum takes place. 
  • Take note of the scenery around her and choose an appealing location. (Are there other people who are looking into at the camera or phone? Is there a dog defecating in the background? Is there an offspring mooning the camera? These are all scenarios you, the Instagram husband, should look out for.)
  • Think to yourself, "Would I want a picture like this of me posted on the internet?" If not, keep clicking. The more options she has to choose from, the less likely you'll get in trouble later.
  • And lastly, there's a good chance she'll not be happy with the photo, regardless of how well you did, because of her insecurities about her body. Remind her of how a phone or camera could never truly capture her beauty.

My husband is the best man I know, and I'm very proud and even more thankful to be his wife and the mother of his child. But please, please, someone send my better half to Instagram Husband School!

 

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