It is past noon. I have wrestled with a tired, sleepy, and wiggly baby for the past 30 minutes. Finally, my 1 year old has given in to the necessary power of needing to nap. I have gained a moment to sit, and just be in silence, while holding him. The fan gently whirs and I rock back and forth in the recliner rocker as his little breaths turn into tiny snores. His tiny warm hands open and relax on my chest.
As soon as I pull the chair lever to lay back and close my eyes, my 8 and 5 year old come into the room wanting a bowl of ice cream. Do I dare allow the 8 year old to fix a reasonably sized amount? Before I can answer, the 5 year old climbs up into the recliner and the 8 year old climbs up onto the bed, right within arms reach. I am thankful for this present moment. Just enjoying each other's presence, closeness, and being alive and ok. Though I am tired, I think about the babies that could have been and settle for a minute on this thought: Miscarriage Sucks.
Just like many other people, I am have "losses" in my life. A percentage of those losses include miscarriages. 4 to be exact. I have experienced a miscarriage in between every child that I was blessed to house and deliver into the earthly realm. Although I like to try and find a bright spot in the unknown where we have so many unanswered questions, the reality is that miscarriage sucks.
The emotional rollercoaster that comes with the shock or excitement of being pregnant, and then not, can be overwhelming. To be fair, this is not every person's experience. Some women may not have desired to become a mother, or sadly, didn't ask to become pregnant. From my experience, the added hormonal shift and emotional ups and downs of a miscarriage are quite draining. During the last miscarriage that I experienced, my life was at a point where I felt like I was at an internal war and fighting to hold everything inside of me together. The arrival of a new baby was quite intimidating considering the current needs of my family, but we were happy about another little bright spot. Then the miscarriage happened and the gate of vulnerability was torn wide open. I was 4 months along when an ultrasound did not detect the baby's heartbeat. But the baby had not grown and it was suspected that it passed away before the 3 month mark.
Miscarriage is a reminder of how much we can not control. This can be a daunting thought to wrap our mind around. It can also be a reminder that sometimes we have to just let things be and rely on the faith that we have grown into.
Just as my strength began to build and my body worked to bring things back to before, I found my body making up for the loss; holding on to a growing life to contribute to the light in the world. I look at my snoring babies, but instead of getting that nap in, I must go pick up my Target order. Although being a mom can be hard, I am thankful for their little lives, and their being, because loss and miscarriage sucks!
My heart goes out to all of you who have experienced loss or the inability to carry if desired. I hope that you know that YOU are light.