It’s funny, I never wanted to be a mom. I was the one who aways said, “I don’t want any kids.” It wasn’t because I didn’t like them. I loved all the kids in my life so very much, but at the end of the day, I was able to send them home. I wasn’t the one having to make decisions for them. I wasn’t solely responsible for their well-being. It was fun just playing aunt like role : “TT Sabrina" to be specific!
That all changed in December of 2008. Although I was married at the time, bringing a baby into the mix was not in my plans. My appointment that winter's day was to change the form of birth control I had been using. I didn't think twice about the routine pregnancy test; it was just a mandatory thing they did. I was already using birth control, so there was no way I could've been pregnant, or so I thought. As I sat in the room waiting, the doctor walked in with a big grin on her face. I thought she looked a little overly excited to administer a shot. Then came the words I was not expecting or ready to hear, “You’re going to have a baby!” Many emotions came into play. There were lots of tears and fears but at the same time the biggest revelation came over me: I knew God gave me this baby and that I would love and protect this child fiercely, no matter what. In an instant, I went from being the girl who never wanted kids, to "Mama Bear.”
My son was born in August of 2009 and my world changed completely. Fast forward to 2014. My divorce had been finalized and, after living with my dad for a couple of years, my son and I had finally moved into a home of our own. I'm not even sure why, but I began to feel a tugging in my heart to become a foster parent. I didn’t understand it. It made no sense at all, especially as a single mom. I tried to put the idea out of my mind, but after a while I couldn’t ignore it any longer. That summer I started the PATH course, which are classes for those wanting to foster. I learned that the main goal of fostering was to reunite the children with their family. This sounded good to me: love them and send them home!
I fostered my first baby later that year and I loved on him dearly. Three months later he went home. That was extremely difficult for me. The goal had been met but I hadn't expected it to be so tough. I thought I would be ready to let go and help someone else, but I no longer wanted to foster. I wasn’t sure why God had asked me to do something that would hurt so much. However, after some hard soul searching, I realized that I was still meant to do this, even if it meant enduring some pain in the process. After all, most of the kids who need fostering are enduring more than we can even imagine.
I met Jazzy on July 17, 2014. Although fostering/adopting hadn’t even been a conversation regarding her just yet, I felt like she was mine the second I laid eyes on her. Months later, the conversation was had, and Jazzy legally became my baby girl in August of 2015.
Being a single mom of 2 kids and fostering hasn't always been easy, but every day is worth it. Since then I’ve had 2 sets of sibling groups that I loved on while I had them, and then sadly let them go with a hopeful heart for their future. There are still many tears during the fostering process and after the fostering process. Each child is different with a different story. I can’t save or adopt every child I encounter; however, what I can do is love them fiercely while I have them. My faith has been a major part of this journey and so I am doing what I feel like God is asking me to do and then trusting Him with the rest.
I have learned about myself, that motherhood is just in my nature; much more so than I ever realized. Whether they are my Sunday School kiddos, biological, adoptive, or foster, I accept this calling with a grateful and willing heart, and with arms wide open. There have been some HARD days, there have also been many SWEET days. There will be many more of both, I'm sure. Either way, I know I'm meant to do this and I have no regrets.